Caution: God Content.

Some of you know that I've been struggling a lot lately with my faith. Specifically, that I had none. I didn't know what was out there, but I found the notion of the traditional God and Jesus Christ to be far-fetched.

But lately, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, prompted by the realization that so many of my friends had so much joy in their relationship with the being they believed to be God. And I wanted that joy, so I sought out that relationship.

It's not been easy; after talking with the sister missionaries, and praying, and studying the scriptures, I felt nothing. So I fell back into complacency, and ignored the promises I had made to the sisters.

Then, 3 weeks later, they showed up at my door.

Crap.

We spoke again, and I voiced my frustrations. After chatting with them, and them somehow making me promise to go to church (blech) I felt even more frustrated.

But I did as they asked, and read conference talks, and read my scriptures. I listened to Rob Gardner's music, and bought his latest CD, as his music sparked my search last time. Yet I still felt very little.

Still, I had promised the sisters I would be at church on Sunday, and I wasn't prepared to break a promise again. So I woke up Sunday morning dreading the thought of church, but I'd asked my friend to come with me, so that made me feel better.

I get to church, walk in, and the sisters are surprised as all get out that I'm there...

Rude.

So I sit down, and rather than feeling uneasy, as I expected, I felt comfortable, at peace. I felt like being there was the most natural thing in the world. And then Maddi got there (LATE) and sat with me, and of course we joked around, but in a reverent-ish way?

Anyway, the first girl to speak was super nervous, and she had horrid grammar, but it felt like her talk was exactly what I needed to hear. I had never felt that before...

Gospel Principles was all about the holy ghost, which I also needed. 2/2. After church, I felt happy, and I knew I was headed the right direction, but I was still unsure.

Then this morning, I had what is undoubtedly the biggest spiritual experience of my life.

I was listening to Rob Gardner's song "There Are Angels", which has gorgeous music. But I decided to focus on the words.

"Every Shepard know the names of all his sheep.

And not one can come to harm while in his keep

But when they wander from their keeper, who is there to hold them near

Do they know there is no reason for their fear?

For there are angels watching o'er the Shepard's sheep.

To warm them in the night, and guard their sleep.

And there are angels to hold them through the rain

To guide them safely to the fold again.

If from his nest a sparrow cannot fall

Unnoticed by the Shepard of us all

Can it be that he's forsaken you through the hardships you have known

Do you know that you will never walk alone?

For there are angels watching o'er the Shepard's sheep.

To warm them in the night, and guard their sleep.

And there are angels to hold them through the rain

To guide them safely to the fold again."

 And as I listened, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and love, more immense than anything I've ever felt before. And I had no doubt that I experienced the presence of something, someone greater than myself.

And I wept tears of joy.

It felt like the savior put His arms around me, and let me know He's been there along as I suffered, and He suffered with me, and waited until the right time to wrap me in His embrace. I can't explain the mix of emotions I'm feeling: joy and sorrow and peace, but I'm terrified, but calm. I'm happy, but I'm afraid, because I know how easy it is to get complacent, and to fall back into my old ways, because it's easy
to ignore those small feelings, and those little promptings, and to do the things you want to do because they make you "happy".

But they don't.

And I'm not trying to be preachy, I hate being "preached" at. But I know what I'm doing now, this path I'm on is making me happy, and I wasn't before. And it may not work for you, and that's okay, because you have the right to believe in whatever you wish, and to think your own, personal thoughts, and to judge people based on their beliefs, if you think that's okay.

I just want you to be happy. To be truly happy, like I feel right now. And you may find your joy in another way, and think my route to happy is wrong.

But I'll still love you, as the Savior loves us all. (if that's what you believe)

So that's my story, for now. I pray only that I'll continue along this path, and expand this joy, and grow closer to God, and take my joy from Him, and find shelter from grief, and pain in Him. That I can serve my purpose here on earth, and join Him again when the time is right.

And I'm happy.